Self-Injury: An Interview with Nox
Self injury used to be considered to be a female phenomenon. But now, self injury is considered to be evenly split between males and females. I personally have known self injury to be more of a woman’s thing to do, simply because I know very few men who have self injured. Little did I know that a male self injurer has been right in front of me. A good friend of mine, who we will call Nox (not his real name; alias chosen to protect his identity) has agreed to an interview.
Here’s an introduction from Nox: “I’m 19 years old and I’ve been a self harmer since I was 6 years old. I’m a third semester freshman in college. I’ve always marched to the beat of a different drummer, following my own ideas even if they didn’t pan out. My world is my own, no one can change me. I enjoy reading and writing, hoping to actually write a book sooner or later. I’m a sensitive and open bi-sexual. I’m always there for my friends…..and usually looking for someone to kiss. I adopted the names Nocturne or Nox as a reference to night. The night hides everything and thats where I wanted my life to be, hidden and forgotten as soon as I was seen.”
He also says this of his self injury: “I suffer from clinical depression. I’m also an ex-self injurer. I harmed myself because life got hard for me and I thought it was the only way to keep my life under control. The blade became my namesake in cutting; carving an X into my left forearm to mark the ’sins’ I felt I committed. I need and got help. I should’ve told my parents, I was just too scared. I’m already different in my family, and I didnt want them to think I was crazy.”
At what age did you start to Self Injure?
“hitting was at about age 6, biting age 10, clawing age 12 and knives at age 17″
What was the reason you started?
“first time was to see if i could really hurt myself, it just became a real way for me to find control over my life”
What is your ‘chosen’ form; cutting, burning, something else? And why?
“Cutting is how I would prefer to do it, it leaves a smaller mark and causes a pain that is bliss to me, and the marks left let me know what I have done.”
Are you, or have you, received any treatment (in the form of therapy etc)?
“I’ve been in therapy and I’ve stayed at Our Lady of Peace (a local mental health facility).”
What do you think is the biggest misconception about Self Harm?
“That no one has the power to start, people always told me that I could never hurt myself, and when I did I felt perfect.”
Describe your early self-injury you mentioned, before age 17. Was this for the same reason as it was after age 17?
“Hitting myself was the only thing I could think of doing, since I didn’t want to harm anyone…and I felt hurt on the outside so I brought the pain to an external level.”
Did you feel as if you were in control of your life, while everything else was spiraling out of control when you cut?
“Yes, cutting causes everything to come into focus, seeing my blood just made me calm down, as crazy as that sounds.”
What areas of your body did you cut?
“My left arm, I can’t do shit with my left arm. I carved little x’s into it.”
When was the last time you self-injured and why?
“Last time was just a few months ago, and it was because I was going through a lot and couldn’t calm myself.”
How long were you in therapy for?
“About six months.”
How long were you hospitalized for?
“3 days.”
Did therapy and hospitalization help you any?
“Yes, therapy allowed me to express myself and discover things about me. Hospitalization allowed me to discuss my problems, and got me on some medication for depression.”
Were you diagnosed with anything?
“Clinical depression.”
Were you put on any medication? If so, what medications were you on, and did they help you?
“Lexapro, and it usually does help me.”
Describe how cutting made you feel ‘perfect’.
“It gave me a sensation that nothing else could. It just gave me a feeling of bliss that made nothing seem to go wrong.”
Tags: interview, Self Injury
