Self Injury: An Interview with Stephanie
It is estimated that 1 out of every 200 girls between the ages of 13 and 19 self harm. It also affects around 11 thousand boys a year. There are many myths and questions people have about self harm; as it is hard for many to understand why a person would deliberately hurt themselves. Here is one girl’s story.
I’ve known Stephanie for a number of years and had no idea that she, like me, was a self injurer at one point in her life. Here’s an introduction to who she is: “I’m a college student, and I plan on majoring in theater arts. My main goal in life is to own my own theater or head a theatrical group, but only after I get my time on the stage. I am devoutly for rescuing animals from shelters, and in fact, have 8 cats and 5 dogs who have all been rescued directly and indirectly. My life is driven by music and the arts, but writing is the one thing I can always do.”
At what age did you start to Self Injure?
14
What was the reason you started?
At first, I just did it. It was like an out of body experience. I knew I was doing it, but I wasn’t doing it intentionally. But, at that age, I was dealing with a lot from my dad and my birth mom, which are still hot spots with me even today. Later on it progressed to a kind of an involuntary reaction. I hated to cry, and it was my way of venting.
What is your ‘chosen’ form; cutting, burning, something else? And why?
I was big into burning, for awhile. Then, later on, it elevated to just about anything I could do that would hurt without people noticing. I would hit things until my knuckles were bruised or bleeding, I would scratch myself until there was a mark left in places no one would see, that kind of stuff.
Are you, or have you, received any treatment (in the form of therapy etc)?
No. At 14 and 15, I went through basically a personality flip, and, I thought maybe I had done it for attention, but some of it seems otherwise, with as bad as it was. I basically stopped doing it slowly but surely. I think the last time I ‘physically’ harmed myself was before I turned 16.
What do you think is the biggest misconception about Self Harm?
I really haven’t read up on it much, which, I probably should have at the time. I think a lot of people assume that someone who cuts them self is ‘emo.’ Well, I don’t particularly like the whole ‘emo’ stereotype, because the only ones who seem to fit it are posers. And, the whole straight edge thing, while it sounds kinda cool to refrain from things like sex, drugs, drinking, whatever, a good chunk of straight edgers make cutting look cool. I mean, I can understand in some cultures, cutting and self marking is acceptable for different reasons, but, now I’m ranting.
What parts of your body did you self harm?
Mostly my hands. Because, while they were in the open, people knew I was a klutz and didn’t really think much about it. My arms and knees also took a lot of abuse.
Describe the ‘out of body’ experience you got from self harm.
It was like, I was doing it, but I was watching myself do it. I couldn’t stop it most of the time if I wanted to. I even thought maybe I was showing signs of being split-personality prone.
Do you feel as if therapy would have helped you?
I think I could use a therapist sometimes, because I do have a lot of issues I tend to repress, but no. At the time no. I was so in denial of what was going on, it would have made me worse.
Do you feel like people self harm for attention? Why?
I think some people do. Maybe people who are neglected, or people who feed off of others pity. But otherwise, I’m not sure. I know why I did, or at least have an idea of why I did it. But as for anyone else, who’s to say, really?
Do you still get the urge to self harm, or has that gone away?
I still self-harm in a way. It depends on how loosely you define self-harm. I do not do anything physically, but when I feel down, I write down all the things I dislike about myself, sometimes terrible things, and throw it away. In a way, it’s like I’m putting myself down intentionally, so I can build myself back up. But it’s still very different from the phases I used to go through.
Tags: Self Injury
